Fatigue

The road rose up before us higher and higher as we approached the last steep climb of our bike ride. It was not only the last, but also the biggest. Fifteen miles later and then this climb. Why now? when we’re already tired! My legs started feeling real signs of fatigue which I hadn’t felt up until this point. I shifted down and eased into a slower yet determined pace. The last time Mark and I had ridden together we didn’t conquer the hill; it conquered us– about mid-way we, quite shamefully, got off our bikes and walked the rest of the hill, sweaty, and panting like dogs.

This time we had both given each other the look and were set on defeating it no matter the cost. A third of the way up was when I really started feeling like I wanted to give up. But part of me knew my body was just being a big baby, crying because it wasn’t able to take it easy. I kept pressing on, maintaining a steady cadence as I looked ahead at Mark. There was quite a distance between us and quite honestly, I was jealous, but I didn’t want to kill myself by trying to catch up. Otherwise the hill would conquer me yet again. I cranked the pedals again, again, again and finally made it to the top.

But Mark was still going, so all I could do was shift my gears up and try to catch him. Somehow I had forgotten about the fatigue; I kept going despite the fact that I had just finished a huge climb and my heart was palpitating like crazy. In my mind, jumping off the bike, or at least not cranking anymore seemed like the most logical and pleasant thing to do. But if I did, would I grow? Would I be able to conquer next time?

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Now, why am I relating all of this to you? This is what I feel like with my blog right now. I have visionary fatigue. That is, my initial burst of excitement has faded, and now I seem to be coming upon some steep looking roads for writing. Or perhaps some dead ends, but oh, I can stretch the metaphor any way I’d like and still be saying the same thing: it’s hard to keep writing!

Of course, just as I didn’t stop when cycling with my friend, I also will not stop with writing. However, I need to refocus and look ahead. I want to have a sense of purpose and clarity in my writing so that when someone will read what I have to say, they’d truly be provoked to thought. After all, there is so much that people read these days, yet all it does is dump more goop into the confusing mess in their minds and souls. This is due to mass media, no self-control, and the lack of a pursuit of the giver of knowledge, God himself. May it be far from me to breed more confusion in the hearts of people. For Truth is so precious these days, that to muddle up the little bit of it that some people have would be a wretched act.

I am a child of light, and Jesus said I am the light of the world. And because of this, my task is to shine, to be the lamp that gives others the ability to see in their darkness. That doesn’t mean I won’t fail and revert to the old paths that are already well worn and so easy to tread. Yet I know Christ through his Spirit does a work that cannot be hidden. I’ve often thought I do not shine, and in my doubts and fears, I would run from opportunities to intentionally shine. But even then I would look back and see Christ strengthening me and using me in unexpected ways. It would be through something simple like an unwillingness to cheat or lie to a teacher. Yet what many Christians see as so obviously wrong, shined through to the unbelieving and pointed to an invisible rock and principle upon which I stood– the truth was manifested before them.

So as someone who has been born of God, my duty, and privilege, and joy is to stand for the truth. I pray that as I continue to write posts and share poems, they would provoke you, and cut through you (even if they are about me), so that you would learn to better see and understand the truth; and not merely the abstract concept of truth, but also the One who is the Truth, Jesus Christ. May he enter in the darkness here in this lone island on the internet and become a beacon to all who sail by.